Nov 19, 2015

One Day At A Time...Thursday November 19th

Sometime all you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess.  
Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best... 

November 19th. 14 days now since my Brutus is dead.  14 days since I last held him and
 saw him.  14 days now that my heart is broken and the tears have not stopped.  
14 days. Time is going by, but somehow I am stuck and unable to move on. 
 Forgetting is not an option, but I know I need to move on.

Everyone keeps asking are you doing better?  Answer is, "no I'm not doing better."
  One day I would like my answer to be, " yes I'm doing better."   

What bothers me most is that everyone assumes that because we have a new kitty cat ones
 affection suddenly changes.  No one talks about Brutus to me.  I know that it's a 
difficult subject, but know also that Brutus died.  This does not mean he 
ceased to exist.  He was and will forever be a part of our lives.

Arvid and I talk about him everyday. We see Shadow do something and we look at each
 over and we say, "just like how Brutus was or how Brutus did so and so."   It is 
comforting and it makes healing better.  Just the other day Arvid said to 
me, "when I was having lunch the other day I missed Brutus very much. 
 It was quiet.  I looked for him, but he was not there."

I look for him everyday. He's not there and no matter how much I cry, bargain, plead
 for him to come home it's not happening. Please don't be afraid to talk to me about my
 Brutus.  Yes it hurts, but it hurts more to have you pretend he never existed.

My heart is broken over a cat as many might say.  Many would call this very stupid. 
 Just think most of you have children.  For us Brutus was our baby. 
 My baby is now dead and I'm still mourning him.

Life goes on.  I wake up. I do what needs to be done. I take care of Shadow. I make lunch for us. 
I do all the things I did when Brutus was alive only exception now is that my heart is not 
in any of it.  One day I'm sure things will be better.  Arvid as always is good to me. 

 Now he is even more patient than ever.  When I cry he holds me forever and comforts me.
  I know he misses Brutus also, but he is handling it much better than I am.
He says that burying himself in work helps.  It's not helping me much.

Why does it have to hurt this much?  Why?  Why?

It's been so many years now that I went through the the same.  Also at that time I never 
thought I would smile again, but I did.  I have to remember that, and know that one
 day it will be better.  I did it before. I can do it again.  Cause everyone says I
 am a strong person.  Truth is I don't feel strong right now.  I feel tired. 
  I feel sad and I am missing my Brutus so very much.

Please don't think  that if you talk to me about my Brutus I will fall apart. I might cry. 
I will also enjoy talking about his specialness.  I will laugh and cry some more. 
 It's just part of the process to healing. The worst thing someone can do is
 to pretend that  that person or in this case Brutus never existed.

Good morning everyone.  Shadow has a cold and for now he is being fed with a syringe. 
 Arvid even gave him water last night with the syringe.  Something he was not too
 confident to do with Brutus.  He's proud of himself right now.  I have even 
spoon fed Shadow because he is all congested and cannot smell his food 
after 2 spoons of feeding he then goes and eats a little on his own.
  He's a good little boy and Brutus would be a proud big brother.

Hope you are all having a good day and that sadness is not part of it.
One day I know it will e better.  Shadow is proof that life goes on...

No matter what I do, where I look or where I am,
you are in my thoughts and in my heart,  Always.  Forever...