Mar 12, 2016

They Are Gone...

Grief opens up a place in our hearts that we never knew could hurt so profoundly,
but it also opens up this same place to a love we never imagined possible...

Life stops for no one.  Tragedies strike, but if you stay still you get run over.  Brutus died, 
and we kept moving.  No other choice.  Grieving daily became just another part of 
my life.  The horror of it all never left even when Shadow was with us.  Little by little Shadow 
occupied more and more of my time, still I always found time to grieve.  

Breaks my heart that we had Shadow right in front of us, and being blinded by despair
 I just was not able to allow him into my heart right away. That will haunt me 
forever and for now I can't forgive myself. I feel I need to hurt even 
more than I do for not allowing Shadow into my world.  

When I got the call telling me my Shadow died, I could not stop screaming. It was
 not real.  I can't stop the screams.  I drive in my car and I scream as loud as possible. Then
no one can hear me.  Not sure if I feel better after that, but I can't stop from reliving 
the horror my Shadow endured.  I can't. Total despair is what I feel.

Yesterday Arvid and I went out for a few hours with a friend.  For those hours being 
away from the apartment was OK.  I was distracted, and for that time I did not get the urge
 to cry nor scream.  Once on our way home a different mood set in.  I knew that when
 we walked in I would not see that cute little face with those big eyes looking at us. 

 Like Brutus's eyes, Shadow's eyes also haunt me.  In my sleep, and in my waking hours.  
Once again I am also mourning the loss of Brutus with the loss of Shadow.  Right 
now it's not so easy.  Everyone says, "move on"  I know it's how it has to be, but right 
now I need to grieve, I need to cry for yet another little kitty kat.  My Shadow,
 who never made it to 4 months with us.   How fair is this??????

I have been awake since 2:20 this morning.   Looking for Shadow by my floor
mat next to our bed.  He always laid on my side.  I always made him a little cushioning
 with the pillows because he did not like to sleep on an actual kitty bed.  He was different. 
 He was Shadow.  As of right now his pillow bed is still on my floor mat.  Waiting.

I wait for Brutus, now I also wait for Shadow.  I know neither is coming back.
My heart just does not want to accept that both of my little ones are dead.

Today my little Shadow has been dead for 1 week.  Brutus 18 weeks and 2 days, 
but who's counting.  One day it should be better.  One day.  Not today.

I'm sure better days are coming.  Just not today.  It is what it is.  LIFE.
As you know, when it rains it pours, but soon the sun shines again.  Cycle of life.

Grief isn't something you get over.  It is something you go through.
Don't confuse knowing something with understanding something...