May 5, 2016

May 5th

Grief is like an ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing.  Sometimes the water
 is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.  All we can do is learn to swim...

Today our Brutus has been dead for 6 months.  It's been 6 months I am missing him.  
6 months I am aching to hold him.  6 months that my heart has been broken. It's 
been 6 months that grief, heartache and sadness is a part of my daily life.

I live every day with a positive attitude.  I live everyday being grateful for all the blessings 
in my life.  I live everyday with optimism and with cheer, but in my heart there is an empty
 place that only Brutus can fill.  In my heart there is an ache that does not go away.

So Brutus died.  My heart will never heal.  Never get over this loss, but then we 
adopted Shadow.  He was everything Brutus was not.  Meaning he was just Fearless.
Arvid refers to him nicely as the wild one.  Shadow was into everything and did everything.

Maybe my heart was not ready for him, but I wanted him and when we brought Shadow home 
it was so good to see our home once again being taken over by a kitty.  Brutus filled up every spot
 in every place we have lived in.  Now it was Shadows turn to do so.  He was getting there.
Unfortunately, he never made it to even 4 months with us, and today he's also dead.

Everyone tells you that grief does not last forever.  I guess I should know this since I have 
gone through grief before in my life.  Yes it does not last forever.  Time is on your side, but
 the truth is that you just don't know when it will hit you.  You could be doing great, 
and all of a sudden it takes over and before yo know it you are crying your heart 
out all over again.  That was me yesterday.  I was OK then I was not OK.

I'm not doing the best I can right now and it began a few days ago.  Sniff senses
when I am sad and distressed.  Right away he comes to me.  It's his way of comforting
 me and I love him so much for that and for so much more.  He sure has made our lives better.

My heart is broken, but my heart is also filled with love for another little kitty.  He may
 not be Brutus nor Shadow and that is only good.  He is Sniffer and he loves us, and we love him.
 It will take a long time for my heart to heal, but that does not mean I am unable to love
little Sniff.  He is just lovable.  Yes, for that and more I will always be grateful for.

May all your days be filled with love and something for which you are grateful.
They say that even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.  I'm open to it.

The reality is that you will grieve forever.  You will not "get over" the loss of a loved
 one; you will learn to live with it.  You will heal and you will rebuild yourself
around the loss you have suffered.  You will be whole again, but you will
 never be the same nor should you be the same nor should you want to...