Nov 5, 2016

A Year Without You..

Our pets lead us from patience to love and then to loss, but it is always a journey
 worth taking.  I would do it all over again just so I can have Brutus and Shadow back...

It's one year today that our Brutus died.  One year ago and I miss him as much today as I 
did then. I will be the first to say that on November 5th 2015 my life changed.  I did become
 a different person.  I am  sure that the person I became is not the person I want to be.
You see the person I am is full of sadness and grief that just comes and goes.

I don't cry everyday anymore.  I don't scream everyday anymore.  I just carry a 
heartache in my heart that no one can take away.  One day I hope it will be better.

I have no children.  Brutus was my baby and my baby died.  For me it is a loss that 
as of now I cannot get over.  I think Arvid dealt with the loss of his dad better 
than I am dealing with the loss of Brutus.  But then Arvid is Arvid.

We all grieve differently.  Some move on faster than others and then you have 
some like me who are sorta stuck.  Add to that the loss of Shadow, it's a miracle I
 am still sane.  If you asked Arvid he will say I am NOT that sane anymore.

My Brutus left his paw prints in my heart that no one can ever replace. 
You left me and you forgot to tell my heart how to go on without you.

Brutus made me happy.  For me the saddest thing has been that the one who gave me
some of the best moments in my life is now a memory.  A beautiful memory that
I treasure, but I don't want a memory.  I want the real thing.  That not being possible,
 I treasure every single memory of my Brutus and the ones we had with Shadow.

A year has gone by fast. I don't exactly remember all of it.  I do remember the emptiness
 and the heartache.  You see I still feel the heartache, and the void Brutus left will
 always be there.  Shadow came like a whirlwind into our lives and just like
that he was gone.  We did not have time enough to really build that
strong of a bond, but my heart screams at the injustice.

Sniff is now in our lives.  We love him and we look forward to year and years with him.
I will move on.  I want a change in my life as well, but I know that in order to have
change I also have to give on my side.  No matter where we go, what we do or
who we are with, my heart was shattered the day our Brutus died.  When
Shadow died it was destroyed.  When we got Sniff, I knew that
 there was and is a bright future for us.  There is always hope.

People move on faster than I have.  I am sure of that.  One day it will be my turn.
For now, all I can say is that I miss them.  I miss my Brutus everyday.  He was
my baby, and my baby is now dead and I will never ever hold him again.

Life goes on.  Nothing we can do with that.  As I have always
said if you don't keep moving you will eventually be run over.

Life goes on. Whether you choose to move on and take a chance in the unknown.
Or stay behind locked in the past, thinking of what could have been.  Sometimes you just
 have to accept the fact that something will never go back to how they used to be.