Jan 5, 2017

Missing You...

It is hard to forget, when there is such an empty space now that 
you are gone.  It's just not the same without yo anymore...

Today makes 1 year and exactly 2 months since I last held my Brutus.  To this day my 
heart aches for him and misses him like crazy.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him 
and wish he were here again.  Brutus, my one and only baby.  Now and forever.

There is nothing I can do to change what happened.  To this day I don't fully 
understand why my Brutus died.  If I could turn back the clock I ask myself what would
 I have done differently?  I don't know.  My Brutus was hurting and I was giving him 
pills after pills.  Maybe not wanting to acknowledge how much he was hurting.
  My heart will never be the same again.  I will never be the same again.

Today also is 10 months since our little Shadow died.  This I will never be able to forgive.
  He was just 4 months old.  Little Shadow never had the chance to grow up.  That
 day Shadow died I also lost my friend.  Maybe one day it will be better, 
not today.  My heart does not know how to stop hurting as yet.  

Yes, I have many good days thanks to little Sniff.  He is our little ray of sunshine. 
 We love him and he fills our life with excitement, laughter and fun. That 
being said, when Brutus died a part of my heart died as well.  
I miss him everyday. Some days more than others.  

It's been a long time without Brutus and Shadow,  Arvid rarely will talk about them
 but every so often he would tell me how much he misses Brutus.  Sometimes late at 
nights as we lay down to sleep Arvid would say, "you know today I thought a lot about Brutus. 
 He was our special boysie."  Then he would say, "do you think that Sniff knows we don't
 have the same bond with him as we did with Brutus?"  Maybe he does, but one thing
 is for sure, Sniff does not lack love nor attention.  He has that in spades from us.

Most days life goes on as usual.  There is nothing one can do about that.  You either 
keep moving otherwise you will most likely be trampled on.  Yes, life goes on, but in a 
little place in my heart there is and ache and grief for the loss of our Brutus that nothing
 nor no one will ever be able to erase.  He was more than a cat for us.  He was our baby.

Life goes on, but a part of me is missing and I have learned that no matter how
badly your heart is broken, the world does not stop for your grief.

Love and heartache do not define you.  They are a part of your story...