Mar 29, 2016


It has been a terrible.  No good.  Bad day.
My mom says some days are like that...

I have had a very emotional day yesterday. By evening I was drained. Exhausted and just
 about all cried out.  Yesterday I finally met with Liliana.  I have not seen her since 
Shadow died.  I was not ready.  Honestly I was not even sure I was ready to do it 
yesterday, but like everything I do it was just a spur of the moment thing. 

One minute I was making lunch next thing you know I was texting Liliana asking her 
if she had time to see me today.  I got to her apartment.  It felt like we were strangers. 
 I got in and we just looked at each other not many words were exchanged.

 The next half an hour all you heard were two people crying. Crying like there was
no tomorrow.  Crying over Shadow, crying over a friendship that had been put through 
the worst possible test.  Every time I think o have no more tears I surprise myself. 

 I guess the body knows best for the tears came and for half an hour it never stopped. 
my face since Brutus died is puffy. Dark circles under my eyes and always a
puffiness and hollowness that I am sure will never go away.  I will never be the 
same person I was. I swear I have aged 10 or more years.  Feels like it.

I guess no one ever is the same person after they go through the loss of a loved one.
  After the tears all I could ask was how?  How could this happen?  Didn't you hear him cry? 
 Didn't you?  Was there any blood?  Not sure why  I ask this,  but it keeps bugging me. 
 Liliana said he looked like he was sleeping. Like an angel.  My Shadow hated the heat

More tears and they never stopped. My little Shadow.  Never made it to 10 months of life.  
We had him not even 4 months.  For both of us this has been hell.  Liliana is living
 her own hell. I live with mine.  Here neither of us are winners.  We both grieve 
for the same kitty.  I saw a woman destroyed. Like me devastated and
completely grief stricken.  At that moment all I could do was comfort her. 

 She is after all my very good friend. One I trust with my life and would still trust with 
another kitty.  Arvid and I disagree here.  People may judge me.  Truly I don't care. 
 For no one knows Liliana the way I do.  She is one of the most  kindhearted
 persons I know.  I am angry and hurt, but that does not change who she is.

 She would never ever harm an animal. She would rather hurt herself than cause hurt 
to an animal.  She's broken hearted. I think together she and I will benefit in the 
healing process.  For now it's baby steps for us, but I know one day our
friendship will be the way it was before. Maybe better.  Who knows?

I woke up sad.  Thoughts of Shadow and Brutus are haunting me.  It kills me to 
know that Brutus and Shadow are gone forever.  My Brutus.  My baby I will never 
hold him ever again.  An Shadow i will never make him his chicken ever again.  Right now
 I don't feel so good.  Took a walk to the beach to see if it helped, somehow today it did not.

No matter what, life does not stop.  It's in constant movement.  Looking out of 
my window right now I see a beautiful day in the making.  I'm sure 
it will get better for me as well.  To all a very good day.  Remember 
that to judge a person you first have to walk in their shoes.  

Don't judge people.  You don't know what kind of battle they are fighting.
You may think you understand, but you don't.  Not until you know the whole story...