Mar 7, 2016

Shadow Died...

The most painful goodbyes are the ones
 that are never said and never explained...

 Saturday March 5th.  4 months since Brutus died.  16 years since Arvid and I have been
 together.  Bittersweet in more ways imaginable.  We celebrate love and we mourned Brutus, 
even so the day was looking pretty good.  We were in NC with my parents, my sisters, David,
 and little Lilly Vade was also there.  She symbolizes all that's good in life.  Lilly is LOVE!

Liliana was home watching Shadow.  2:30 Saturday afternoon she texted and sent 2
 pictures of him, as always he was happy and just relaxing next to her.  5:42 pm I get a
call from her.  Goes like this, "Nadiya I am so sorry.  Your baby is dead.  I opened the
 dryer and he was in it.  He looked like he was sleeping like a little angel."

Shadow came to us 5 days after Brutus died.  I grieved everyday for Brutus while Shadow 
was by our side.  We never told Shadow we loved him, but everything we did said it.
Now that he is dead, it is killing me that I never said the actual words to him.  
I was busy grieving for Brutus.  Shadow was just adorable and playful.

We walked into the apartment early Monday morning.  You can just feel the silence.  
Shadow would have been with us exactly 4 months on Thursday the 10th.  He never made it. 
 He was born on May 17th 2015.  He never had the chance to make it to one year even.

The guilt I feel no one will know.  The images going through my head is not something
I would wish on anyone.  The images of Brutus on the day he died when he was barely 
alive still go through my head.  Never stops.  Now I also have images of what little
 Shadow must have gone through while we were not home to save him.

Sometimes it is a curse to have too good of a memory, because even when one tries 
to "forget" you can't.  I can't.  I see it like it was happening over and over again.

Since Brutus died in November, our home was not the happiest of places, but little by little 
Shadow was winning us over.  He made us laugh and he made us happy without me realizing
 it.  Now it is too late to tell him how much he was loved.  I love you Shadow.  Mama did not
 realize until it was too late how much she loves you.  Please forgive me Little Shadow.

You were just a little kitty kat and you don't deserve what happened to you. Shadow. 
 I loved you, but did not tell it to you.  Now I am just destroyed.  Please forgive me.

Shadow, forever would not have been enough...