Sep 5, 2016

Why Do Goodbyes Hurt So Much?...

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.  The worst type of crying wasn't 
the kind everyone could see--the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. 
No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter 
what you did, there was no way to comfort it....

Usually I find that writing helps me to cope with things. It's my way of relieving stress, 
anxiety, and to face whatever it is that's bothering me.  It is a way to express happiness,
 sadness and grief, but after Jax died I just could not bring myself to do much. 

 Arvid tried to get me to go out with him on Friday and Saturday, but I just did not 
want to move.  I was and am consumed with grief.  The grief of knowing that my sister 
and her family has to go through what I am.  Yes I still grieve for my Brutus,
 and ache for little Shadow.  I know what they are dealing with and because 
of that I am just so heartbroken.  Nothing can change how I feel

I knew Jax since Florida when he was a baby.  I visited them a few times also in 
Vermont  and loved playing with him.  It's just wrong that he's dead.  Just wrong.  I go
 to sleep thinking of them and I wake up thinking of them.  I imagine the quietness
 in their home without Jax.  I am at the same time reliving the loss of Brutus.

I don't understand why.  Jax was healthy. He loved to play. Run. Swim. He had
 everything in life. Love. Lots of space to run around and a family that doted on him. 
But he died.  Just like my Brutus   They died.  Cancer is horrible.  Spares no one.

Sniff sees me crying and he comes to me.  He comes to comfort me.  I asked Arvid
 if he thought we would one day love Sniff the way we loved Brutus.  He said that maybe
the bond we had with Brutus was a once in a lifetime thing.  I want to love 
Sniff for who he is as much as I loved and still love our Brutus.

Sunday was a beautiful day here.  Weather was good.  Getting cooler so soon it will 
be time to go home to Florida.  I miss my car and going out and doing stuff on my own.

Every night I go to sleep I just hope my sister is not crying herself to sleep.  I hope she
 is sleeping.  I hope she's not going to stay stuck in her grief like I am.  I Hope Reshma, Sachin 
and Gopaul all pull together and help each other out.  I hope Mala is not crying right now.

As Monday approaches a new new week begins.  I just hope that this week is better.  There
 has been a lot of grief in our family. A lot of not so good things happening.  Today it's 
10 months since our Brutus died and 6 months since Lil Shadow died.  I hope that 
September brings better days to us and to everyone.  Happy Monday everyone.

Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.
So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love..